"My heart is mute".
As many times as I've watched Jane Eyre, this line never stood out to me. Why today? Why today did I take notice of it? Why are her words so exquisitely swirling around in my mind, leaving me utterly dizzy with inquisition?
Perhaps it's the moment of absolution that she knew she was absent of love for anyone other than Edward that struck me? Maybe it was that she finally said aloud what her soul had long known? Caught up in her words and her emotion, I recognize her longing of misplaced affection.
One can recognize abandonment of feelings when they've wrestled with it themselves. A coldness resides where warmth should be. It's stacked dry wood without the strike of a match. How does one sit there with hands stretched out to feel the warmth of fire, only to feel the coldness rush over them? Emotionless reconciliation thrives because abandonment lies dormant in the hidden places. It feeds not on faith and love but on fear and mistrust. Warmth seems fleeting, compassion appears farce, and love seems to trickle and fall through the cracks of past hurts. Nothing good can fill those places until they are mended, but how does one mend a broken and muted heart?
We try to simulate those feelings of love by filling the void with the sweet nectar of sin. The temptation of numbing the pain is tantalizing and creeps in like like a vine searching for a life to choke out, each twisted thorn piercing the exposed flesh. But alas, at least you finally feel....something, but not for long. The poisoned nectar seeps down through the pierced flesh that contains the broken and contrite heart. It leaves the vessel with a trace of its now soured countenance. No joy remains; only the bitter aftertaste of void.
But then a voice calls in the wind. You know it, somehow, and it summons you. It is everywhere, beckoning you to draw nearer and nearer. You turn...
This story is my own. A glimpse of my life before I heard the faint whisper of the Holy Spirit calling for me to come back to Him.
"And I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and I will speak tenderly and to her heart" Hosea 2: 14.
It hasn't been an easy journey. Like Jacob, I wrestled with God. I wrestled with neglect, abandonment, and avoidance of self-worth that had been ingrained in me since childhood. He spoke to the child that felt lost and prowled upon by wolves. He breathed life into my dry bones. He healed the wounds of my flesh and my spirit. He spoke tenderly and to my muted heart.
" I betroth you to me forever." Hosea 2:19
be·troth·al /bəˈtrōT͟Həl,bəˈtrôTHəl/ noun 1. formal engagement to be married; engagement.
Marriage is defined as a formally recognized union of two people in a personal relationship. It begins with a promise, a betrothal, that basically says "We're doing this thing called life, together." God promises to not abandon us. He vows His righteousness, justice, steadfast love (Hesed) and mercy. He offers stability, faithfulness, and a cherished relationship (Hosea 2:19-20). He exchanges these things for my fear, neglect, and abandonment. The only thing I have to offer Him is my wounded and muted heart.
He accepts.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me!" Psalm 51:10
We wrestled and He won. He blessed me with a new heart and filled it with hope and an expectation of a new life of belonging. Now, what shall I do with it?
With a new heart, we can love others like Christ loves us. We can offer encouragement to the discouraged, hope to the hopeless, and courage to the fearful. We can show compassion where there was once only indifference. We can show mercy where there was once no forgiveness. We can do so fueled by the unfailing hope and expectation He gives us through Jesus Christ. HE is the new heart. He is the light that fills the darkness and causes our hearts to finally beat again. Can you feel it? The warmth of His embrace? Can you hear it? It's your name upon His lips.
"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119:103
Please leave a comment or tap the heart icon if this piece touched you. I'm praying for your wounded heart, too. Thank you for visiting my blog! Kittie
